Knocking from the Inside

Love is a verb.

This is a pretty popular saying these days, or idea.  Love is action, love is what is, not what you think.  Love is of the world, as are we, and the world around us is loving us, all the time.  Do you see it?

I feel this the most at the coast. As I've written about before, I am so lucky to live near the beautiful Oregon Coast.  And on a perfect Friday afternoon a couple of weeks ago, K. and I set out for an impromptu trip to Cannon Beach, a small town just West of Portland.

That's Haystack Rock you see in the background, twice.  And this is me... with K.'s photographic whimsy thrown in.

But enough about that.  Let's talk about love.  What is love?  Is there a more important question?

I see and feel love everywhere.  It is life itself.  Often in session I will guide my clients to feel how life is loving them, just by being.  How the energy of life is love, breathing in and out of them, their cells, their very being.  And when you go to the coast, and feel the energy of the waves crashing and the wind and maybe, just maybe, the sun or sunset...

or feel the trail under your feet, even it's a bit muddy...

That's all love is to me.  No need to look for it, no need to seek it.  You find it by surrendering to the moment, by living the life that is yours, by being a creature of the universe.

As the Sufi poet Rumi said many years ago:

I have almost driven myself mad,

wanting to know reasons,

knocking on a door.

It opens.

I have been knocking from the inside.

Get outside!

Make Up Your Mind: The Importance of Calm

What's the problem?

When we feel stress, this is an important question to ask ourselves.  What really is the problem; what is it exactly that is causing me to be impatient, upset, rushed, or worried?

Next question: does it have to?

Anxiety always explains why.  Why this worry matters so much, why we must figure it out.  Right now!  But, do we?  Is this true?  Does our mind always tell the truth?

When clients are struggling with anxiety, I try to help them in many ways.  We learn to breathe deeply; I teach them mindfulness techniques; we go through past trauma, and try to understand underlying causes of deep-seated fears about life and living.  But, most of the time, this simply isn't enough.  In order to recover from anxiety, we have to really, truly, decide not to give in.  We have to fight!

Part of this fight is defining ourselves and our life.  Yes, this or that may go wrong, but do I want to live my life in worry and stress?  What actually is important to me? And, even more fundamentally, is this worry and stress helping?

These are the processes we have to go through.  I encourage clients to read widely and seek: seek meaning for themselves, seek to find something that will help them face life with courage and strength.

Once you start to put these ideas into practice, life seems less and less scary, and you become able to discern between anxiety and true concern.  Anxiety never results in a solution; anxiety is convinced that the sky is falling.

When we are anxious, we feel all alone, isolated and without help.  In the worst case, terrified.  One of the best remedies is to ask for help in calming down, but not with the problem your mind is grappling with.  Instead, real help lifts the needle off the skipping record, and keeps us from waiting endlessly for the song to end.

Here's something to try next time you are feeling anxious and need help.  Seek out the ear of a friend, spouse, sibling, therapist, or whomever you trust and say, "I've been feeling really anxious lately. I need some help calming down, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Then let them calm you.  Take in the words of this trusted confidante and trust them over the ruminations of your mind.  Breathe.  Believe them, allow them to help you, to comfort you.  Yes, there may be a problem, but is it as big as your mind and body are telling you?

The real problems and challenges of life will be there when you calm down, and then you can face them with your full heart and mind. This way of living results not only in better solutions, but in solutions that produce growth and transformation.  Life is supposed to be hard.  Grow and change -- you can do it!

You may have noticed a lot of use of the word 'we' in this post.  That's because I've been there, and I work everyday on my own anxiety.  Otherwise, how could I either be interested in helping others through it, or even know how to?

K. and I went to see the excellent, amazing, musical "Next to Normal" last week.  I was struck dumb by the entire thing, so beautiful, so incredibly produced and performed, and I wanted to share a few tidbits from one of the songs, when the therapist of the main character is trying to help her face herself.  He sings,

Make up your mind 

That you're strong enough.

Make up your mind—

Let the truth be revealed.

Admit what you've lost

And live with the cost...

At times it does hurt

To be healed.

Make up your mind

You can live at last.

Make up your mind

To be fully alive.

Embrace what's inside,

Replace what has died,

Then make up your mind

You'll survive.

Have a beautiful, calm, lovely June week.

Golden Work

Listening all day, is that what I do?

I am often asked that question.  Some who ask seem to think that it would be a very easy or simple thing to do; others, the most difficult.  I find that they are both right.

Really, as I sit in my chair and listen, I am first seeking being.  There is not much to do until I find that.  But, I find being by listening to myself, so the work is, in a way, all about listening.  And the work is life itself...

As we enter into Fall, surely as the leaves begin to turn orange and red and yellow, the work in my office changes course.  Summer offers a certain respite from the usual concerns and stresses of life.  Even though one's life may not be truly different, and in some cases even have become a bit more hectic during the summertime, we all somehow seem to give ourselves a break.   To be honest, I'm glad for it, too.

In Summer, sessions are often more conversational, filled with updates and thoughts about what is going to come when the season changes and life gets serious again.  We are often meeting again after a break due to vacations and activities; we catch up, are glad to see each other again, process what has been at work during the break.

Now, as sure as the sky today is gray and the air chilled, I can feel the momentum changing.  New people are entering my practice, ready to work.  People I have worked with for a long time are getting ready for the change that comes with the season.  Last night, I had my first session of the year end after it had become dark.  People are beginning to use that ominous phrase "...and then the holidays are coming..." 

Fall is definitely a time for movement and work.  Is that why so many of us love it so much? Do you?

How do you take hold of it?  This opportunity to take the energy gained over the golden summer and put it into something you want or need, yearn or long for?

What is your work this Fall?  How do you take advantage of the movement of letting go?  How are you taking the bright energy of summer and transforming it into your own personal harvest?

The King's Friend

I went to see the acclaimed The King's Speech last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed it.  It is a great movie, a fine film, and a lovely period piece with exquisite usage of the music of Beethoven.  A fantastic way to spend a rainy Saturday afternoon.  But the best part--for me as a psychotherapist--was this: the heart of the movie is the healing power of the relationship between the king and his therapist.

I'm sure the movie will be seen by many other therapists who feel the same way.  Here comes a client looking for techniques and fixes when what they really need is love, honest friendship, and to tell their story.  The latter is the reason most of us go into our line of work; that is, to listen, and to try to help and heal with our hearts.

As a psychotherapist, I am told that "it has been proven" that those techniques and fixes are what helps, what cures, and what is right.  That I need to give my clients the homework, worksheets, and assessments that they are expecting and think will help.  That I need to continue the message of lack that they have been struggling with for their entire life.

Don't get me wrong, I give homework and I teach skills.  But these are integrated into an approach that seeks to empower the client to know themselves, and to be in control of themselves; an approach that seeks to teach clients to love themselves.

And it works.

What I love about this movie is that it shows the importance of respect for where the client is and is willing to go, and the responsibility on the part of the therapist to challenge this position.  Many movies have been made about psychotherapy.  It's funny that one about speech therapy really hits the nail on the head.

The Power of Vulnerability

I was sent a video by a colleague and it affected me so much that I have twittered, facebook'd, and emailed all about it.  I hope that you enjoy it, too.  I'd love to hear any comments or thoughts you have after watching it.



It is by Brene Brown, someone I had not heard of until today, but who I will certainly be following from now on.  You can find the lovely item below, and many other lovely things at her website.

From Brene Brown's Website

She has discovered some wonderful truths through her research, truths that I am always trying to find, not only for myself, but for the people I work with.  Enjoy.

Nothing gold can (or should) stay

Change with the leaves,
turn golden and die.
Death is a blessing,
the mother of the new.

Nature offers the solace of rhythm and change.  The turning into fall is an exciting time -- new weather, new food, memories of the past, adventures to come.

It is an invigorating time to be a therapist...

Fall brings new clients, and new changes for old clients.  It also brings endings.  All of this brings life to my practice; it breathes.

Letting go is infamously hard, but we have to do it -- there is no life without death.  We must release people, expectations, wrongs done to us, rights we think we have done.

A sunny fall day makes me want to walk, and look up, and feel the air on my face. 

While the exhilaration of Spring after a long winter feels like a rescue, Fall feels like coming home.

I hope you are enjoying it too.

Hoping

Even as the rain continues, and continues, and continues, and Spring teases us like the guy in high school who glanced and smiled and never said hi, I feel especially hopeful today. 

Last Saturday, I went to a workshop led by Bob Edelstein, my clinical supervisor and mentor.  I have worked with Bob for 3 years now, but I always learn something new in his presence.  His passion for what he does is something to behold.  Passion!  I left the workshop on Saturday evening feeling reinvigorated for the work that I do with my clients; excited for the process.

Bob always brings humor, candor, and a kind of simplicity to a difficult process.  "What would Bob do right now?" flits through my mind many times during a work week. When I have the chance to ask him, I am always surprised and inspired by the answer.

I also had fun.  On Sunday I went to see Robin Hood with K.  Not a great movie, but a really fun movie.  Beautiful English countryside, solid actors (Cate Blanchett!), and a timeless story. 

And "Lost."  Ah yes.  I have been a devoted fan for 5 of the 6 seasons.  I began watching because K. was working on Tuesday evenings, and it stuck.  The finale was great, entertaining, and fun.  And it made me think.  And search the internet for what other people thought.  And think some more.

I also met some challenges this week.  As I do every week.  If we expect life not to challenge us, oh crap, we are in trouble.  Some of these challenges involved work, some friends, some simple circumstances.  But I dealt with them and moved on.  What can I call that?  Action!

And I had some great conversations, both in session and out.  I connected with others, shared ideas, relaxed and enjoyed.  I allowed the presence of fellow human beings to influence and change me.  I connected.

So, a full week.  A week full of learning, thinking, feeling, action, and connecting.  A week, in many ways, like most weeks.  But more... noticed, felt, experienced.   May hope and remembrance fill your weekend!

All Over Again

Here it is, Friday all over again.  Today in Portland, it is gorgeous, glorious, sunny, beautiful, perfect outside.  The city heaves with the wonder of it.  Everyone talks about the weekend, dreams of green grass, vegetables, and summer.

The longing for sun and its appearance in May is part of the cycle of the seasons here.  Truly.  Every year I remember this.  "Oh yeah, it will be sunny and warm and then cold again after Memorial Day, and everyone will be sad, and then it will get hot in July"  That's how it usually goes.

Yet every year we all wait for it as if it will never come.  And hold onto it as if we could.  And forget about the cycle.  Understanding the cycle, though, is where it's sweet.

This is true about our own lives, no?  When we recognize our cycles, we are able to stay more sane as they move through us.  Without cycles, we would not be alive.  This is the nature of the seasons.

In September, the evening air is cool with death, and the beginnings of winter.  But now, the evening air is cool with the warmth of summer in its breath.  And we wait, and it will come.  And then go again.

The Passing of Alice Miller

I'm embarrassed to say that I had never heard of Alice Miller until her passing this week.

Alice Miller was a trained psychoanalyst who pioneered the concept that children are deeply shaped by the way in which they are parented...

This is a reality I see in my office everyday.

You can read the obituary in the New York Times here.

Or look at her website here.

She was an artist, too...




I think her work has lost mainstream prominence as we struggle to understand how to both feel what we need to feel, to honor the soul and self, and also to let go of anger and hatred.



This is one of the challenges of the work of self-discovery, whether done alone or in therapy... feel, let go.... feel, let go.... feel, let go...
It is process, work, a beautiful thing.  There is an emphasis now on "brief" or "short-term" therapy.  But change takes time, and insight grows, and ebbs and flows.