Letting the Quiet Collect

On the Saturday between Christmas and New Year's, I am choosing to let the quiet collect. I have taken a staycation during this time, going to see family for the holiday, and am now home with husband and dog, feeling the quiet of the holiday and of Winter.

Just as the stillness of the season deepens, I feel resistance to the quiet, craving distraction, entertainment, task. None of it works, none of it fulfills, and I am left with only a surrendering to the reflective spaces within myself, where - if I'm paying attention - a new energy emerges.

As I sit in this new place I can feel in my body discomfort and a sense of fragility, almost pain. I am called in to feel, and what I feel, in the quiet, are the small sensations of the past alive in my skin and cells and even the air I breathe. I find myself curious: what happens if I rest here?

What I find is that by allowing myself a safe dive into my melancholy, I emerge with a verve for life, like one who taken a long swim in a cold river. When I allow myself to be sad, supported by the beauty of art and words, an alchemy is performed.

It seems quite natural to me, and not false at all, to be contemplating life at this time of year. Whether that is brought by the coming back of the light, or the shift in the number of the year, there is a natural settling of the old, a reflection on what happened and what did not, a remembering, maybe, of what I was expecting or hoping for during this time last year.

For me, I am feeling like someone who has been in the process of a large garden project for quite some time, and is just now seeing fresh beds ready for seeds, hoping that the coming season will bring growth and light weeding, but less moving of Earth.

As I look at the blank earth of my soul garden beds ready for planting, I am waiting for the inspiration to plant, and trying not to rush. Unlike an earth garden, our soul gardens can be unpredictable: seeds we thought were for one thing grow something else entirely, or the seeds we thought were so necessary turn out to not be so at all.  What a soul garden shares completely with those made of physical earth is the necessity of tending. Whether gentle, mindful tending or radical, passionate tending, life thrives on attention.

It has been found that human connection is so basic, so necessary, so essential to our existence that the simple lack of it registers in the human nervous system as violence.  I wonder what this means for our connection with ourselves? What does it do it to us when we disregard and disconnect from our own inner longings, feelings and desires?  And what does it do when we pay attention to them? When we tend them, love them, honor them?

We are so encouraged by our culture to disconnect from the quiet longings, the disquiet, the places that may reveal these essential places of disconnection, the opportunities for healing. And it can be terrifying to go there. I'm hoping that 2019 is the year that many of us find our bravery, that we are able to be afraid of being with ourselves, with our pain, with the pain of others, but that we find the strength to go ahead and do it anyway.

Love Lost, Love Found, Love All Around

This is always an interesting week in my office, Valentine's Day/week/season, that is. I don't know how to tell people to just not worry about it so much, because they will anyway, but I try. And there are often pesky memories.  What I do end up saying a lot are things like,

"It's worth waiting for."
                                                                                "Wait until it isn't a choice."
                       "Trust."
                                                                     "Breathe."

I have been fortunate in my life to know many, many people who are deeply in love. I see it all the time, all around me, the support and connection of commitment that comes without effort. Not that the happiness of the relationship comes without effort (for that is the work that bears the greatest fruit), but that the commitment itself is not a question.  There is a with and a we that becomes as natural and normal as... well, anything else in life.

In these days of so much kind-of connection via the Internet, it seems even harder to let life lead. To just put effort into the things you enjoy, get out of the house, and let love find you can seem impossible.

Even if you have found your partner, you can lose precious time to the computer when you could be holding hands, smiling at each other, helping out, or expressing appreciation or support.

Whether you're single or partnered, think of this this Valentine's Day:  Make yourself happy first and the relationship you find will always bring you back to that version of yourself: the person you were that day when you first knew, when you first felt it, when you first realized that you were getting to know the person you would be with for the rest of your life.  Then you get the best of both people: a happy, loving you, and the person you fell in love with when you were most at ease in yourself.

Recipe for the Experience of Love:

Take a moment when you would be doing something else, and lay down on your bed or on the floor.
Get comfy. Put a pillow under your knees, make sure you are nice and warm.
Smile.

Now soften your whole body, your whole mind, your whole heart.
And again.
And again.

Luxuriate in doing absolutely nothing but softening, melting, being.
Accept absolutely everything in your conscious awareness.  Every thought, every itch, every sound.

Be the center in the storm.
And breathe.
And soften.
And breathe.

And love.

Happy Valentine's, and thank you for reading!

Examining Our Relationship to Cruelty

The notion of writing a post about bullying has been flitting around my mind for some time.  It is such a huge, important, topic. And now that cyber-bullying is becoming so prevelant, it seems that bullying in general is finally getting more mainstream attention.

It truly seems that the cyber-world is providing a new dimension for cruelty in our relationships.  A therapist I consulted with recently called out "textual abuse" in a couple she was working with, who were sending abusive texts back and forth throughout the day.  If this is what adults are doing, what in the world can we expect of a 13-year old?

I read a story about middle-school bullying the other day that was so heart-breaking I began to cry.  I won't repeat it here, to save others from having the same experience.  Or maybe I am afraid of talking about it, and am trying to protect myself.  Suffice to say, it made me want to contact every person I was ever cruel to between the ages of 10 and 18 and say, "Good God.  I am so sorry."

I think about people who were mean to me and what it would mean for them to acknowledge that at this point in my life.  Their lack of acknowledgment certainly isn't keeping me from being happy, but I do think a few "Boy, I was a real asshole to you in high school" 's, would hit somewhere deep inside.

Revealing and Revelations

Well.  Today I found out a very exciting thing, or rather experienced what was quite an exciting thing to me.  My post about the book French Women Don't Get Fat was tweeted by the book's author, Mireille Guiliano.  I found out randomly through a my husband's cousin receiving the tweet!  It all made me smile very big.

You can read the post here:The Food Issue

I haven't written here for awhile, sickness and lack of inspiration have clouded my vision.  But today's event gave me pause, and besides wanting to share it here, I wanted to reflect on how my most risky post has been the one I have received the most feedback from.

I have received so many more comments on that post than on any other.  Not necessarily on the blog itself, but via email and other communications.  It is proof to me of the power of honesty and soul-revealing, and how that resonates with others.  I may be  'therapist', but I certainly don't have all the answers.  I can help you learn to climb the mountain, but that's because I'm climbin' my own, right over here.

It is a beautiful experience, to allow vulnerability and have it received with warmth and respect.

I am still so grateful that I finally swallowed my pride and picked up French Women Don't Get Fat.  I don't know where I'd be right now if I hadn't.  Not a morning goes by where I don't think of the huge change that a nice breakfast shared at the table has made in my life, and in my husband's.  And that's just how the day starts.

Ink

I love movies.  Saw another great one about the power of our emotional life.  It's low-budget, a bit slow to start, but so creative and very rewarding.  It's called Ink.

Ink takes on the powerful--and not easy--issues of guilt and shame; how we damn ourselves through our inability to take action in the face of these powerful feelings.  It takes on the existential fear that if we face the truth about our actions, we will be destroyed.

And no, destroyed is not too strong of a word.  How will we be destroyed?  Ask yourself that question the next time you realize that you are beating yourself up over something you've done.  Stop beating yourself up and take action.  Hard to do?  What are you afraid of?

The saddest part is what goes unspoken

My saddest moments as a therapist often have nothing to do with what's being said.  Instead, they are about the heartbreak that hovers in the room and goes unspoken.

She yelled at me all morning about how lazy I was, and then took off for the weekend without calling once.  What I couldn't believe is that when she came home on Sunday night, she didn't even want to eat dinner with me.  Is that so much to ask?*

If this quote made you twitch, that's a good thing.

What is not being said here?  How much it hurts to be yelled at and demeaned.  The breach of trust that occurs when one person leaves and doesn't call.  How this should call into question the entire relationship, and how the issue should be how this person is being treated overall by an emotionally and verbally abusive partner.

Instead, it becomes about the missed pizza, or not receiving a birthday card from someone who hasn't said a respectful word in ten years, or how someone who yells at you everyday never text-messages back in a timely fashion.

This lack of self-respect, lack of self-love, is the saddest and most heart-breaking thing that I experience as a therapist.  It is what is not said, not acknowledged.   It is the looking to incriminate someone's behavior rather than weep at your own heartbreak.  It is trying to fit into someone's desire rather than draw boundaries around your own heart.

"Love yourself" is mantra we all know.  But what does it mean?  How do you put it into practice?

One day, one interaction, one relationship at a time.  Say no.  Say yes.  Take care of your self.

*All quotes in this post are completely fictionalized accounts of therapy.

The Power of Vulnerability

I was sent a video by a colleague and it affected me so much that I have twittered, facebook'd, and emailed all about it.  I hope that you enjoy it, too.  I'd love to hear any comments or thoughts you have after watching it.



It is by Brene Brown, someone I had not heard of until today, but who I will certainly be following from now on.  You can find the lovely item below, and many other lovely things at her website.

From Brene Brown's Website

She has discovered some wonderful truths through her research, truths that I am always trying to find, not only for myself, but for the people I work with.  Enjoy.

Time to Heal

It takes time to heal, time to grieve, time to move on and find new beginnings.  It is a process, not a fix; a transformation, not a switch.  When you are in great pain, this is such a difficult, difficult thing to accept.

The beauty of this is the realization that the best thing you can do for yourself when going through periods of pain and frustration is to allow yourself to feel.  This does not mean allowing yourself to wallow, ruminate, and wish away the day.  That is not feeling, that is thinking, worrying, and avoiding.

Take time to feel.

Lay on your bed, close your eyes, and allow your feelings to just be there.  Don't think about them, don't try to figure them out, just let them do their work.

Feeling is the work of the heart.  Let it teach you.

I was listening to a great show on NPR the other day, the Moth Hour.  There was a segment (I have tried to find the recording but can't) where the speaker described his relationship with his therapist in funny and moving terms.  His therapist was unorthodox, direct, and wise.  One thing he shared that I really love goes something like this:

"Sometimes you just have to grab a towel, sit in a chair, and let the feelings come."

Let them come, let them move through you, past you, so can move past them.

I'll share with you a secret: this basic action is much of what therapists try to teach their clients.  You just have to feel.