Time to Heal

It takes time to heal, time to grieve, time to move on and find new beginnings.  It is a process, not a fix; a transformation, not a switch.  When you are in great pain, this is such a difficult, difficult thing to accept.

The beauty of this is the realization that the best thing you can do for yourself when going through periods of pain and frustration is to allow yourself to feel.  This does not mean allowing yourself to wallow, ruminate, and wish away the day.  That is not feeling, that is thinking, worrying, and avoiding.

Take time to feel.

Lay on your bed, close your eyes, and allow your feelings to just be there.  Don't think about them, don't try to figure them out, just let them do their work.

Feeling is the work of the heart.  Let it teach you.

I was listening to a great show on NPR the other day, the Moth Hour.  There was a segment (I have tried to find the recording but can't) where the speaker described his relationship with his therapist in funny and moving terms.  His therapist was unorthodox, direct, and wise.  One thing he shared that I really love goes something like this:

"Sometimes you just have to grab a towel, sit in a chair, and let the feelings come."

Let them come, let them move through you, past you, so can move past them.

I'll share with you a secret: this basic action is much of what therapists try to teach their clients.  You just have to feel.

What do you do with the mad that you feel?

The title of this post is a quote from a young boy who inspired a Mr. Rogers song.  I heard it recently as I watched this video, shared with me by my sister, of Mr. Rogers defending funding for PBS:

What a wonderful man.  I grew up watching Fred Rogers, and can remember thinking about being special, thinking that it was a "good feeling, just being alive."  Watching this, I appreciate even more as an adult his calm voice, his caring, and his sense of the time and attention children need to be feel understood and loved.

At the end of this clip, he speaks the words to the song I mentioned above, "What do you Do?"  It is a beautiful teaching about dealing with difficult emotions, and centers on the importance of feeling able to make choices, even when upset.

What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?

What do you do? Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?

It's great to be able to stop
When you've planned a thing that's wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:

I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish.
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a woman
And a boy can be someday a man.

So much strife comes out of moments when it feels like there is only one truth, and no choice.  But there is always choice in how we react to how we feel; there is always a choice where action is concerned.

Sadly, many people are not empowered to make that choice, they are gripped by the emotion and the fear.  They do not experience the empowerment that comes with dealing with a painful emotion with strength, reason, and faith -- faith in oneself, and in the humanity of us all.

May 2011 be a year of strength, tolerance, and joy for all of us.   May we believe we are special, and know that we can stop, stop, stop, any time.  Mister Rogers would want it that way.

Listen to Mister Rogers sing the song.

Let Your Heart Be Light

A wintry hike can sweep out mental cobwebs

Today on a local radio show, the topic was SAD, that is, Seasonal Affective Disorder.  This disorder describes people who become clinically depressed when it's dark outside.

The beginning of the show (Think Out Loud on OPB) described the disorder from a medical view, but the latter part focused on stories of survival and solution during the dark days of winter.

They all involved Light.

Light is the answer.  Whether lightboxes or candles, a walk outside, or the warmth of the oven, it is light that helps.  Makes sense, since it is its absence that creates the problem.

We give a lot during the holidays -- a lot of our own light.  Even if were are not gift-givers, we are going to parties, talking to friends and family, or even just making a small effort to be more friendly.  All of this can add up to a feeling of overwhelm and depletion.  We want to give, but not to give it all away.

Here are 5 ways to help bring in and keep the light this holiday season:

1.  Enjoy.  Don't just do fun things, enjoy them.  When you feel that sense of too much bustle, make sure to pause and survey your surroundings.  Are you exhausted?  Take a seat, have a beverage, take time while you're at the mall or the bazaar or downtown to sit and do something for yourself. Enjoy the day.

2.  Short-shop.  Have a half hour during the work day when you can steal down to a cute shop for those stocking stuffers?  Do it.  Have an extra hour at the end of the day when you could stop by the bookstore to pick up a few things?  Do it.  Just take the time that you have a do a few things here and there.  They all add up and prevent the last minute frenzy.

3.  Eat.  We all eat during the holidays, sometimes too much.  Be sure to take time for nutritive foods during this time.  4 butter cookies is not lunch.  It can make you feel as full as lunch, but it is not lunch.  Indulge and enjoy, but make sure you are eating good meals, getting good nutrition, and adding in the fun foods as an indulgence.  If you skip lunch so that you can 3 glasses of eggnog tonight, you are not doing yourself any favors.

4.  Take time to feel.  Are you missing someone this holiday season?  Take time to feel the feelings you are having and allow them to be a part of your season.  Take a long walk and allow yourself to reflect on how you are feeling as the year ends.  What is it time to let go of?  What do you need as you move forward?

5.  Laugh.  Whatever holiday you do or do not celebrate, bring in the light with laughter.  Watch a favorite comedy with friends, play games, celebrate.  Laughter gives us energy and shakes us out of old patterns.  Make time for fun and let your heart be light.