Make Up Your Mind: The Importance of Calm

What's the problem?

When we feel stress, this is an important question to ask ourselves.  What really is the problem; what is it exactly that is causing me to be impatient, upset, rushed, or worried?

Next question: does it have to?

Anxiety always explains why.  Why this worry matters so much, why we must figure it out.  Right now!  But, do we?  Is this true?  Does our mind always tell the truth?

When clients are struggling with anxiety, I try to help them in many ways.  We learn to breathe deeply; I teach them mindfulness techniques; we go through past trauma, and try to understand underlying causes of deep-seated fears about life and living.  But, most of the time, this simply isn't enough.  In order to recover from anxiety, we have to really, truly, decide not to give in.  We have to fight!

Part of this fight is defining ourselves and our life.  Yes, this or that may go wrong, but do I want to live my life in worry and stress?  What actually is important to me? And, even more fundamentally, is this worry and stress helping?

These are the processes we have to go through.  I encourage clients to read widely and seek: seek meaning for themselves, seek to find something that will help them face life with courage and strength.

Once you start to put these ideas into practice, life seems less and less scary, and you become able to discern between anxiety and true concern.  Anxiety never results in a solution; anxiety is convinced that the sky is falling.

When we are anxious, we feel all alone, isolated and without help.  In the worst case, terrified.  One of the best remedies is to ask for help in calming down, but not with the problem your mind is grappling with.  Instead, real help lifts the needle off the skipping record, and keeps us from waiting endlessly for the song to end.

Here's something to try next time you are feeling anxious and need help.  Seek out the ear of a friend, spouse, sibling, therapist, or whomever you trust and say, "I've been feeling really anxious lately. I need some help calming down, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Then let them calm you.  Take in the words of this trusted confidante and trust them over the ruminations of your mind.  Breathe.  Believe them, allow them to help you, to comfort you.  Yes, there may be a problem, but is it as big as your mind and body are telling you?

The real problems and challenges of life will be there when you calm down, and then you can face them with your full heart and mind. This way of living results not only in better solutions, but in solutions that produce growth and transformation.  Life is supposed to be hard.  Grow and change -- you can do it!

You may have noticed a lot of use of the word 'we' in this post.  That's because I've been there, and I work everyday on my own anxiety.  Otherwise, how could I either be interested in helping others through it, or even know how to?

K. and I went to see the excellent, amazing, musical "Next to Normal" last week.  I was struck dumb by the entire thing, so beautiful, so incredibly produced and performed, and I wanted to share a few tidbits from one of the songs, when the therapist of the main character is trying to help her face herself.  He sings,

Make up your mind 

That you're strong enough.

Make up your mind—

Let the truth be revealed.

Admit what you've lost

And live with the cost...

At times it does hurt

To be healed.

Make up your mind

You can live at last.

Make up your mind

To be fully alive.

Embrace what's inside,

Replace what has died,

Then make up your mind

You'll survive.

Have a beautiful, calm, lovely June week.

Change of Scenery

A few weeks ago, K. and I escaped to the beach...

We went to Rockaway Beach, a funny little place on the Northern Oregon Coast.  I have gone there for years at different times.  My family used to rent a condo there in the Winter when I was home from college for Christmas break.  We would ring in the New Year watching storms and burning presto logs.

The Oregon Coast is one of my favorite places to be and to go.  K. and I were headed there this particular weekend to brainstorm.  We are developing a new direction in our work together, or an extension of the direction we have.  

This new movement has begun with a simple talk we gave last week about the work we do together, that's part of what we were planning. And especially about what K. has to offer in terms of ideas, perspective, and solutions in dealing with emotional and mental struggles from a Chinese Medicine perspective.  

We gave the talk to a small group of therapists that I know, and it went really well.  I wasn't surprised that everyone there was very very interested in what K. had to say, because it is beautiful stuff.  And because he is an amazing doctor and human being.

K. and I spend a lot of time together.  A lot.  And we talk quite a bit about many things.  But to create this new thing we needed to get away.  Away from familiar scenes, away from dishes; we needed a new view.  And we found it at a sweet old family cabin in Rockaway.

We spent the weekend talking and making food, walking on the beach and watching the rain come down sideways.  And we headed for home on Sunday feeling refreshed and excited about this new direction, this new sharing.  It feels like it is time.

Sunny Day Sweet Potato Soup

Hello.  It's been a while since I've written, and I blame the rain.  The rain has kept me inside, and from the long walks that inspire me to write and share.  But those are just excuses, and excuses are boring.

Taking better care of myself is what has really kept me away, and I think that is a good thing.  I sit all day long, so I have been focusing on the act of not-sitting, when I can.  And this very non-action has kept me away from blogging.

But tonight it is beautiful in Portland, and light at 7:35.  I looked out of my office window at evening clouds drifting to the West and thought, I'd like to write about that.

The clouds are purple and thin and puffy, and the light outside is dimming with every word I write, turning the sky lavender and blue blue blue.  It is lovely.  (Imagine perfect photo here.)

I went to a new yoga studio today and emerged from class relaxed and energized.  The teacher taught in a way I remembered and liked, and it felt very much like home.

I also made soup today, before my yoga class, that K. and I are about to enjoy, as soon as I stop sitting.   I often make soup on Monday mornings, cleaning out the fridge and potato drawer.  Today's felt like a bridge between winter and spring and went something like this:

Get out a good-sized pot.  One that is too big for a long handle.  Better to go big than small.

• Heat up about 4 cups of broth or water over mediumish heat.
• Chop & add stuff while the liquid is warming, like...
• 1 sweet potato, chopped into nutish-sized pieces.
• Other stuff.  I added two carrots, a last bit of fennel, and a leek, all chopped.  
• More stuff.  I added a stalk of lemongrass that had been beaten a few times and a few slices of ginger.  You could add fresh herbs, or dried ones.
• Add salt.  Don't be afraid.  I added about 1.5 tbsp. of fine sea salt from France.  
• If you're lucky enough to have it in the cupboard, add a can of coconut milk.  Yes, the whole can, the fatty lusciousness, too.

Stir and sigh and wonder if there's anything else you'd like to add.  Open your mind. Then, add it.

(Make sure everything can swim a bit, you don't want it to be too stuffy in there.  If you can't make a figure 8 with your wooden spoon comfortably, add a bit of water.)

• Bring to a boil and then lower to a simmer.  (Electric stove read Hi then Med-Low) 
• Cook about 20 minutes, till the sweet potatoes and carrots are tender.  Can you put a fork through it?
• Take out lemongrass, ginger, and anything else that won't blend well with the others, i.e. you wouldn't be able to chomp it raw without getting something in your teeth.

Blend.  Use an immersion blender or do it in batches in the cuisinart.

Season.  Add more salt (if desired), some pepper.  Maybe some Thai chili paste, butter, fish sauce, or cream.  Whatever you have that sounds good.

Stir more.  Taste, add more things or not.

Eat!

I recommend adding stuff on top when you eat it.  I added some chopped hazelnuts, mint leaves, and feta.

Tonight, I'll add some yogurt and olive oil, I think; and more mint and nuts.  Maybe olives...

mmmm.....  have a delicious evening.